early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
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Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.