I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
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I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Okay me first
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting