I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Wikigenius
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Planet of the Apps.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Going to church you guys need anything
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.