The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce