Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free