Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
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Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.