I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
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my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.