[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
peeping toms
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.