I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
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Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Y’all know who you are.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.