Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
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Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
looks legit
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea