Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
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Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.