Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Everything reminds me of my ex
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?