Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
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Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Sharon, call the vet
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers