The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
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CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit