Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
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Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.