I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
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Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
when revenge coincides with naptime
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO