Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
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“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”