Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
dogs can find happiness so easily
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Seals are just dog mermaids.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute