I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
You Might Also Like
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.