In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.