I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
You Might Also Like
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
this is me
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.