Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.