Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
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Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
asking santa clause for nudes
Ha
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”