Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
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“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.