I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
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Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
🍞🦆
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.