[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
You Might Also Like
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Reporter: *ports again*
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Oops
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday