The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
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You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.