me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
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Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I love wikipedia
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.