There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
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ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Rooting for the overdog
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.