Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.