{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
You Might Also Like
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
That time Alicia messaged me
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible