If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
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Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel