Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!