my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Terribly Tuesday.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
he was correct
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.