I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
You Might Also Like
Check your privilege
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I鈥檓 making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Times I鈥檝e served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I鈥檝e been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o鈥檛hem french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 馃槷 hampire
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it鈥檚 time my kids learn how that shit feels
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That鈥檚 my fault. We鈥檒l try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency