Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
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Happy Friday
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.