If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Merica.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶