I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.