I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
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TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
😎 🍻
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.