[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
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I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.