[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
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My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.