ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
BaD BoY!!
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever