if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
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Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Sorry. Not sorry
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps