Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader