PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
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Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’m good, thanks.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do