fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
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my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.