Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
he’s sick of your bullshit today
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Interior design 👌
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much