Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
You Might Also Like
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?