{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
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*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?