ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
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You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
starting a garage orchestra
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.